Why do I want to FALL FREELY!!!

The topic of this entry is quite abstract and will be termed as another “Sadist” (by Rohan) or “Nostalgic” (by Shyamal) entry. But it’s not that. It’s perhaps my another big step of understanding my own feelings and intuitions.

Well, the topic derives its name from a weird fantasy of mine.
If you’ve seen the movie “City of Angels” starring Nicholas Cage and Meg Ryan then you may be able to understand it more clearly. There’s one scene, at around 75th minute of the movie, where Cage decides to give up “eternity” (his life as a messenger) and turn human to be with his love, Meg.
To achieve this he stands on a skyscraper and…………………….. FALLS.

This scene struck some unknown cord in me from the day I watched it. It’s strange….. and quite weird too. Any given day, when the problems in my life surmount and make it tough for me to handle things I am reminded of this scene.

It’s weird to mention it here but I fantasize of falling….. and the thought is not at all accompanied by any fear of hitting the ground. Nor is there any consideration of people in my life, though my FAMILY is everything to me.

All that’s in my mind (or perhaps in my heart) is that I want to FALL…. FALL FREELY.

A few days ago, when I was re-re-re-watching the movie….. I believe I figured out the reason for my absurd fantasy.
Perhaps, it’s a hidden, but loud and strong, desire to able to smile the way I used to.
To be able to see things the way I wish them to be, or at least the way they were.
To be able to see people the way they were.
To be able to see my incorrigible optimism turning to reality.
… and….
To be HAPPY (with a capital H).