- Are you in the profession of your choice?
- If:
- Yes, then is there something for which you can leave your current profession?
- If No, What is it “that” which takes your breath away?
[Discussion Forum] Career Conscience!
conflict
Rail Gaadi, Rail Gaadi… :)
Yesterday while standing at a railway crossing, waiting for the train to pass by, I realized that I love train journeys. Bus journeys are painful, and flight journeys -too short. Trains provide you enough space to move (and jump) around. People you come across are interesting. Moreover, the journey is long enough to let you enjoy your “break” 🙂
Tonight, I’ll be leaving for home to celebrate Holi and my B’day with family after a long time. This will probably be my last visit to Orissa because father got transferred. Return journey is flight from Kolkata, but tonight’s for my loving train :). I have also realized that each time I get down from a train after finishing the journey, a sense of realization that I have failed to enjoy the journey to the fullest comes to me. I know that not everybody would be able to relate to this feeling, but what the hell! 🙂
This feeling, I guess, has a lot to do with my childhood train journeys. This is when I used to fantasize having a camera to click pictures of the changing landscapes. This fantasy is what drove me to buy a DSLR. There is also a disturbing memory associated with trains, but that’s quite personal.
Anyhoo! I don’t wish to stretch this post anymore. I posted it just to let you guys know a couple of things. One, that I’ll be on leave for around 10 days (Saturdays, Sundays included). Second, my love and fantasy for train journeys :). But there’s also one more thing on my mind, and it doesn’t have much to do with trains.
I am considering abandoning this blog. There are several reasons for this. Most prominent of them (which I’d like to mention here 🙂 ) are that I’ve never liked pouring my personal thoughts on anyone (Okay, a few 😀 ), and I don’t REALLY feel comfortable doing it here. This blog started out as an outlet of my frustrations during the final year BTech (and a medium of one sided communication to a few). However, I am not sure if there’s any point continuing it.
Secondly, I am planning to move my tech blog to my server http://projectbee.org, once I return from home, and would like to focus on it. Nothing’s decided yet. Let’s see! 🙂
Sorry Honey! :(
Darling,
That sad evening when I came back from office, I knew you’d be waiting for me… waiting for me to take you into my arms and start………
Little did I know that you were sick. It was not even half-an-hour when you started showing the initial signs of sickness. We talked for around 3 hours and you felt a lot better. We decided we could work.
What an amazing night it was! We worked till 4:30 AM… and we did some really productive work. Then we both went to sleep.
I woke up a little late… around 10:00 AM. You were still lying beside me. I didn’t disturb you.
I went to freshen up, and returned in an hour after having breakfast. I woke you up… but your wireless disappeared AGAIN. 😦
I then spent the whole day trying to update your drivers, uninstalling and re-adding the hardware, and what not. Nothing would work. Neither in Windows, nor on Linux. The wireless device wouldn’t even show up in the hardware profile. I knew it was time for you to visit your family doctors. I took you to the HP Service center at Indira Nagar. They said that since the medical policy has expired, I’ll have to pay a minimum of 300 bucks, in case I didn’t want to go with the prescribed medication. They promised to send the quotation within two working days. Money was hardly any problem… or so I thought.
Those two days and the corresponding nights without you were one of the worst I can remember… Moreover, the mere thought of you being alone in someone else’s house was shivering. Anyhoo, as they had promised, they sent the quotation on the second day. They demanded Rs. 15,838.00/-. They said your motherboard has come trouble.
I knew, I couldn’t afford such an amount… and you know it too. Don’t you?
Several thoughts crossed my mind. Will I have to get a new lady! Will you never be able to talk again!
I consulted a number of people. My younger bro asked me to give you to him and get a new wife for myself. Other people, including my uncle, supported his view. However, Swenny came as a saviour in the midst of all confusions. He told me about the wireless usb modules. They could make you talk again using 802.11 protocol without any need to g for a surgery. They even cost less.
I literally ran from the office, got a linksys one for you, and bingo! Here you are completely (okay okay, almost) fine. 🙂 I am sorry honey that I could afford you a new mother board, but you do understand that we couldn’t have afforded 16K. Moreover, the linkysy thingy i just 1.6K. Isn’t it simply great. 🙂
In another news, I won an ipod shuffle (2nd Gen) – 1GB for sending an sms to the number imprinted on a packet of HappyDent White. This seems to be the first time I have won something so costly… and it feels a little…ummm… strange to have it. I mean I didn’t really earn it… or do any kind of *meaningful* work to get it.
Anyhoo! I just hope that your new body part is comfortable. 🙂
Take care honey,
Bips.
[Discussion Forum] Coffee or Lappy???
With this post, I am starting a series of completely weirdo posts where I’ll post (wierd) questions and would seek your views.
The first question in the series:
Given a choice to choose either of the two —Coffee or Laptop (/desktop) for your entire life and sacrifice the other, which one would you choose? 😐
This might come very easily to some but has boggled me for some time, considering that I’ve given up coffee a number of times in the past 😛
Who am I? I am Spide…errr Man :P
Similar to my other emotionally charged posts (I mean when I am emotionally charged), this one too comes from a weird place. I am sitting on the wall of my balcony, with a little fear that my Bittu (laptop for the less enlightened) might fall with me.
Image courtesy: http://www.flickr.com/photos/surajchauhan/182062828/
I am in a very strange mood right now. Full of nostalgic thoughts. These thoughts have enlightened me about things I wasn’t aware about myself. Since I do not share everything (I am li’ll selfish you see), I won’t post everything. Selfishness reminds me that I could never share my troubles with Everyone. When I left Bhubaneswar (in fact a few months before leaving it), I was left with none to share. It’s pretty unlike-me to accept it here, but I realized that an increase in blogging activity was an outlet in disguise. It’s not that I’ve written everything I feel (it’s just unlike-me), but I could share something. 🙂
Today again, I need an outlet when I’m tangled in this unmanageable web of questions.
Looking at my life, I’ve things that I’ve wanted and worked for (well, except a few).
I am financially independent, and don’t have to bother my parents.
I am working on web security, and that too in a computer services company, with geeks around me.
I also have permission to work from home, pretty unlikely for a beginner on some internal work. Complete freedom, to be precise.
I, with all probability, will become an author in a few months (unless something extremely goes wrong).
…and most importantly, I am ideal son in eyes of my parents (except one issue that I don’t take care of my health).
Still, there is disturbance caused by dissatisfaction… and at times, by overflow of energy. Don’t mistake it to be a job dissatisfaction issue. Computers has been one of my teenage loves, which has grown stronger with times.
Looking again at life, I realize that I don’t have everything I ever wanted…
I wished to contribute to the society; started a few times with SPICMACAY and AID; won a few times; lost a few times. Nothing to complain about really. Obviously, you don’t get all you want.
However, I feel I am entangled between things I wanted, and things things that are my responsibility (like changing the world 🙂 )
Going to an orphanage on a weekend, donating money, etc. are not my cup of tea. I believe they aggravate the problem more than they solve them, IMHO. A weekly visit makes them feel distant; a donation of money, or related things, makes them dependent. These issues need to be attacked from the root.
I have this feeling that I WILL be able to execute my plans someday… but what about now 🙂
Why do I feel like loosing patience, considered one of my biggest assets in the past.
Honour Insignificant Compared To Hunger!
I am a self proclaimed feminist.There are issues (which I do not cite) that disturb me… and I’ve been disturbed again by a piece of news titled “Sex for Survival” on the Al Jazeera (english).
From the article:
When Rana Jalil, 38, lost her husband in an explosion in Baghdad last year, she could never have imagined becoming a prostitute in order to feed her children.
A mother of four, Jalil sought out employment, but job opportunities for women had decreased since the US invasion.
She begged shop owners, office workers and companies to hire her but was treated with what she calls chauvinistic discrimination.
Within weeks of her husband’s death, a doctor diagnosed her children with malnutrition.Fighting tears, she recalled the desperation which led her to the oldest profession: “In the beginning these were the worst days in my life. My husband was the first man I met and slept with, but I didn’t have another option … my children were starving.”
She left the house in a daze, she recalled, and walked to the nearest market to find someone who would pay her for sex.
She said: “I’m a nice-looking woman and it wasn’t difficult to find a client. When we got to the bed I tried to run away … I just couldn’t do it, but he hit and raped me. When he paid me afterwards, it was finished for me.“When I came home with some food I had bought from that money and saw my children screaming of happiness, I discovered that honour is insignificant compared to the hunger of my children.”
I discovered that honour is insignificant compared to the hunger of my children.
We are all aware of such issues, but this time I could see a series of events leading to a sheer helpless situation. Quite ironically, I used to think that some, if not most, of the these people choose the easier path of flesh trade instead of working. I might still be right but the situation in places like these is vexing. Does anyone see anything good coming up from the US war against terrorism. If Yes then are the trade-offs worthy? (Or may be I currently too disturb to make rational calculations.)
By the way, I couldn’t finish the article. If anybody finds anything good in it, let us know.
[YART]:The First Time(s)
I have been transferred to Bangalore. I got a flat to stay even before landing here, thanks to Manas. We get to eat home-made food, thanks to Ajay. Got a part of relocation money in advance which I needed desperately, thanks to my company.
And the best part of all this is that I’d be working on my field Web Application Security with amazing people around, one of them being Peter Thomas, author of JTrac.:)
Now, so many nice things scared me initially but I’ve adjusted somehow. 😉
This post, however, is not about my Bangalore experience. Nor is it about how frustrating the first day was because not even one of the 9 floored building had a single working coffee machine… this crisis continued for straight 10 days.
Can you imagine “Engineers without Coffee”???
The policy makers need to read Dilbert.
Anyways. In another news, I bought a bicycle to commute to office, which is about 10kms from my house. I had a tough time the first day as I was riding it after a gap of… mmmm… 5 years. But again, this post is not about my bicycle. It’s about a very small incident that generated Yet Another Random Thought [YART].
We had a blood donation camp in our premises on 26th. It was an awesome experience riding back home on my bicycle after donating blood. 🙂 On the way back, I recalled the first time I had donated blood. It was something that made me Happy (with a capital H). The Feeling of being (virtually) present and save someone’s life. It was overwhelming.
This time, however, I didn’t feel anything special. To be pretty honest, it was an it-has-been-too-long-since-I-did-it feeling.
The typical Piscean, that I am. It lead to a series of other similar thoughts.
The first time I rode a bicycle.
The first time I left home for studies.
The first time I returned home.
First time I spent my salary on my parents and relatives.
And several other first times which are a little personal…… 🙂
These random thoughts made me happy. The Sadist in me, however, doesn’t like to see me happy. He’s happy when I am miserable. He injected in me the comparison table to compare the “first times” with the regular and natural follow ups.
Of course the latter ones don’t provide me with the same feeling of ecstasy. Especially because they are not meant for it. They are simply meant to be a part of life. All the first times provide the view to a new road which would take us forward; but only if we wish to.
People give-up, change lanes…. break up with their loved ones…… all because “things-are-not-the-way-they-used-to-be”. They don’t feel the excitement that used to be.
I wonder why don’t we understand the simple thing that the excitement the “thing” (job, venture, relationship) brought was not just because it was exciting. It brought excitement because it made a change in our lives and made us Happy. The same thing won’t bring the same excitement. It’ll, however, bring Happiness (with a capital H)… always. 🙂
Love (whether for our job, or our loved ones) is a Gift.
The story, however, doesn’t end here. This Gift is also a responsibility… a two way responsibility, between me and my Gift.
Sometimes, it has to make me Happy, other times I have to sustain the faith that it’ll make me Happy.
I know this a very very complex philosophy. I wouldn’t have dared to bare it, had I not come across this dialogue from the movie “Captian Correli’s Mandolin”. Here, the lead actress’s (Penelope Cruz) father sums up this strange philosophy very beautifully in just a few sentences. He takes the support of Love between couples to explain it. I believe it extends to anything you Love.
When you fall in love, it is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake, and then it subsides. And when it subsides, you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots are become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the desire to mate every second of the day. It is not lying awake at night imagining that he is kissing every part of your body. No… don’t blush. I am telling you some truths. For that is just being in love; which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over, when being in love has burned away. Doesn’t sound very exciting, does it? But it is!
I pray that every time my friends (or I) give up on something, HE reminds me that we are choosing the easier path…
He reminds us all the moments when we fell and hurt oursleves, physically..
And he also reminds us what we did after falling down. 🙂
I love the following two lines (Hindi):
Kaun Kahta hai Aasmaan mein surakh nahi hota,
Ik patthar to zara tabiyat se uchhalo yaaron
I won over the Sadist… this time 🙂
Adieu, Bhubaneswar!
As I write this, leaning to the window of the train with my headphones on (listening to Bawra Mann) and watching the rain outside once in a while, I realize that my life is going to change, yet again. I have been transferred, errr relocated, to Bangalore… where this train will drop me tomorrow morning.
But that’s not exactly what I am here to talk about. My vacation has come to an end and I would like to be a little nostalgic (and The Sadist, as Rohan named me) about my one day Bhubaneswar trip (21hrs +some minutes, to be more precise).
For those who do not know, I did my B.Tech. from Bhubaneswar… and I do not like the place…… or that’s what I used to think.
I reached Bhubaneswar at around 6:30 in the morning. Bus journeys make me a li’ll sick. As I got down, the whole world was spinning… showing me things and places that gave me company during those four years that shaped my life to a large extent. A lot has changed, but not everything. “Something’s never change”, she says. 🙂
I spent a little (cosy) time with Abhu Bhaiya at his room and then left for college to collect my certificates. These certificates were distributed during the valedictory, which I did not attend. This, I guess, explains my disgust towards the place in the best possible way. I met two of my children, Roahn and Nilu J, and roamed around the college. This is when I realized that… not everything has changed. The stupid places have been a little decorated, but they still take you back to those pathetic times…. to those lovely times. I met a number of people who had still remembered me. I admit that I was a little popular guy, but for God’s sake, it’s been over an year now.
After collecting the degree certificate, which is a proof that I am graduate now, we moved to CCD (Café Coffee Day). CCD had been one my best pals during the miserable final year. I sat with a few of old timers, including Adwitee and Sumandeep.
Anand (Nandu from here on), one of my then room mates, reminded us that I had spent my entire final year in CCD. I used to come to study here. 🙂
There was time when the CCD saff made my coffee free. 🙂
I could find no familiar staff as I entered. Later, however, I found Neal. He was the guy who had provided me my first cup of free coffee :). I was a little apprehensive whether he would remember me. He did and was pretty happy.
In fact we both were excited to see each other. For me, he was yet another pal from “those” days. I was already diving into nostalgia.
Later in the evening, I took Abhu Bhaiya for dinner at the MayFair Lagoon. This was the first time in my life when I felt like taking a drink. Abhu Bhaiya took one… I, however, resisted. I guess I was already intoxicated.
Luckily, Samir Bhau came over. We met after more than a year. My train was at 4:15 am and there was no question of going to sleep. We started Rock-4, followed by Rocky Balboa. Nandu had said that he’d drop me to the station and called up at 2 am. I asked him to come over.
Balboa was still not finished and Samir Bhau was taken over by the Sleepy hollow. I and Nandu decided sat on a small roadside bridge. This bridge had been our companion. We used to sit here, chat, drink tea-coffee, fight… what not. We started recollecting things from past… and discussing the present.
Some beautiful memories had gone hazy… while most painful still lay on the surface.
Sushant’s demise, undoubtedly, was the most shocking, and yet the most enlightening, event of my life. It taught me that my life can end in a fraction of a second, under the most unexpected conditions.
We talked on a lot of things, mostly personal. I realized that Nandu had become a little smarter with respect to his vision on life (I hope he doesn’t read this :D).
At the end of it all, I realized one very important thing. Just like we have to balance the space and time trade-offs in our codes, we have to balance our life between our happy and sadistic memories. It’s no other than me who has to decide whether I can bear those hapless memories at the cost of the hidden ecstatic few.
…and I guess I always knew the answers. Bhubaneswar does remind me of times that I don’t wish to remember; but it also “holds” the places where my fiends once believed in me. I might have said adieu today, but I would love to see you again Bhubaneswar. Thanks for bearing everything. 🙂
I love the following lines from the song “Yeh Honsla (sad version) from the movie Dor:
Dil mein yeh shor hai kyun,
Imaan kamzor hai kyun,
Nazzuk yeh Dor hain kyun….
With Regrets, A Software Engineer.
Dear Reader,
It was raining heavily outside. Dark clouds gathered in the sky and nature was in its ominous best. I took a break from my work and went to the pantry to grab a cup of coffee. I had a sip and went near the window to see the rain pouring down heavily outside the glass structure. I was inside our huge office building, unruffled by even the fierceness of the nature.
Through the heavy transparent glass, I could see a small girl trying to hold on to her umbrella which the wind was snatching away from her. I felt sorry for the girl, and was happy that I was not in a similar pathetic situation. Yes. I take pride for the fact that I am a software engineer.
I have everything which a common man would envy; money, status, respect, you name it I have it. I always wanted to be software professional and here I am, working for one of the best firms in the world. But then, am I really happy? Now, I could see an imprint of my palm on the other glass window, through which I reminisced my past, basked in the warmth of the sun shine.
My childhood was so much of fun. I vividly remember those rainy days, when I hugged my mother tightly during sleeping listening to all the stories told by her. Now, I have a big house here, but then it is just a house, not a home. My parents are pretty far away from me now. I have a cell phone to talk to them everyday, but then I really miss those dinners which I had with my family everyday. I could easily afford to taste all the different cuisines these days, but the best of food there, lack the love and affection which is present in the food prepared by my mother.
I threw a lavish party for my colleagues for my birthday, but then they would never replace the birthdays when my friends secretly brought a cake and at the end, half of the cake would have ended up on my face. The couple of hundred bucks that u save for a long period just to give a treat to your friends in the road side chat shop can never give the pleasure even after spending a few thousand bucks these days.
The scene of me crying and refusing to have dinner on the day when I fought with my best friend came to my mind. Today, she has gone far away from me, taking away my love and with it my life, but I am sitting and coding here with a false smile on my face. Everyday I meet new people, but then I long ceased to make a new friend.
It’s true that I have a lot of things now. I have a nice bed, but no time to sleep. Lots of money, but no friends to spend it with. The latest designer clothes, but a worn out body . Quite a few to flirt, but no one to love. Awards for technical excellence, but no reward for the crave for peaceful ambience. A confident demeanor, but a reluctant and apathetic mind. Full of rain, but no sunshine even in the farthest distance.
Now, I could see the small girl on the road enjoying in the rain with her umbrella firmly in her grip. She might not have all the comforts which I have, but then she has the innocence and fun which I lost a long time back.
I have decided to come out of this false fantasy, even if it is at the expense of losing the tap of the software engineer. I am going to again enjoy my life. I am going to go out in the rain and play with the small kid now. I removed my tie, and went near my computer to shut it down. Just then, I saw a new mail alert in my mail box. I slowly opened outlook and I found a message from my manager with an attachment saying that there was a critical defect in the code and I have to fix it soon. I convinced myself that I am not going to get bogged down again by these pressures and stick to my decision. I ignored the mail and went to the rest room. After a couple of minutes, the software engineer in me came out, his shirt tucked in with the perfect tie knot, sat before the computer, and started typing,
Hi XYZ,
I am looking into the defect and will send the patch files before EOD.
Regards,
ABC.
Hope you are able to change your letter,
A Software Engineer.
Disclaimer: Most of you might be aware that this is a forwarded mail. Abinash forwarded it to me on 19… I read it now. You can guess the reason for such a loong delay. Yup! I am a software engineer. I could relate to a lot of things in this mail. Especially that I never wanted to be a part of the crowd, no matter how elite it is.
Well, I am not really a part of the crowd yet… and this article made it a little easier for me to take the decision I was analyzing for the past few days. 🙂
If things go well, I might be posting about it.
Thanks to the unknown author of this mail and to Abinash Darling too. 🙂
Laghu Katha – I
If you’ve ever read hindi newspapers, then you probably know what a Laghu Katha is. It is the term for a very short story.
Punnen wrote a small essay on short films today. It reminded me of a laghu katha that I’d read a few years ago. It had/has a profound effect on me.
I thought I’d write my version of the story. Do let me know your views on the same. I might post some more stories in future.
The train reached on time. There wasn’t much rush at the railway station, however I was having a little difficulty finding an auto.
Suddenly, my attention was grabbed by a 10-11 year old girl, who was begging for something to eat. She reminded me of my niece, of same age, whom I had left several stations away. I couldn’t even wish her goodbye; didn’t want to wake her up so early.
Several thoughts clouded my mind. I was filled with empathy for this poor soul. I called her and gave her a 10 rupee note.
She looked at me for a while, and then looked around. Probably searching for something or someone. She then said, “Babuji, nobody comes towards the bushes besides platform 11. We can go there.”
Sorry, Miss Sunshine…
Dear Miss Sunshine,
I just finished watching the movie “Little Miss Sunshine“. Towards the end of the movie, I was reminded of you. I (shouldn’t have, but) had forgotten you and the incident that brought me to tears that night. I was f****** helpless that evening.
I initially thought of writing a normal blog entry about the event, but then it somehow (I don’t really know how, but) started out as a letter. These crazy things keep happening to me all the time. Probably it was some stupid cell of the brain (or heart, don’t really know) that said that MAY BE someday, when you grow old… you’ll understand that I became weak… could not (or rather DID NOT) fight back for you.
Before proceeding, let me tell you what crazy things I was referring to. I have a strange feeling that at times He gives me signals to either teach me something, or remind me of something. Signals like the one I referred to in my essay on foeticide.
For quite some time He has shown me a number of signal on dancing.
1. Shammy sharing a pice of poetry on dance before posting on his blog.
2. A friend of mine performing on DD.
3. Shammy posting an essay on dance; quite unnatural.
4. Watching trailer of some movies, based on dance.
But I just couldn’t see them until I saw the movie.
I still don’t understand if these signals were meant for you, or you are one of them too. Let’s see. 🙂
It was December a few years back. Our college was hosting the NCSC (National Children’s Science Congress). It was big (no, not just big, HUGE) event. Not because it was some national event, but because the President of India, Dr. Kalam, was coming. [The designation and the name are mentioned in the order of IMPORTANCE.]
I, being one of the students actively active, was one of the (f****) important volunteers. The other reason is because there were not many final year guys left. We’d a sine die for two batches, but then that’s a different (and pathetic story) altogether.
I can go on when it comes to blaming the things related to the event (not that it didn’t have anything good; it had, but) I think I won’t talk about them. This letter id about you and me.
So comes DAY Zero.
Dr. kalam… sorry, the President of India arrives. All the children waiting are thrilled. I guess you felt the thrill too. You were somewhere between 5-7. That’s the age when happiness and sorrows, both are experienced completely disjoint… in their purest form.
There are a series of speeches by people unimportant to you all… and then comes your hero. He speaks, answers your questions and leaves. But you people won’t let him leave.
The president of India returns back for a while, walks towards you guys… unafraid of the elements he should be afraid of. That’s one of the several things that makes him your hero.
Isn’t it?
Same here. 🙂
However, the biggest surprise for me arrives as he leaves the place. Everybody; (most of) the college management people, the government officials leave the place with a SHOWY sense of relief, displaying SCENES pride and back patting. I say surprise because:
1. We still had a cultural evening with artists of national and international repute to perform.
2. These evenings actually are not meant for these artists but for the children… like you(No offences to them. I have been SPICMACAY coordinator). I, anyways, had to carry on because I was (supposedly) expert in handling such events. (if it’s even remotely true, it’s because of my amazing and lovely team.)
And you’d left too; probably practicing your dance steps.
One (of the several) things that really really pi****d me off was the treatment given to these artists. They weren’t even (officially) provided with water or coffee… and when I say THEY, it includes Guru Gangadhar Pradhan, the eminent Odissi dancer.
NO EXAGGERATION.
One f****** IAS, when I approached him, said it was not his job.
Anyways. So by the evening I came to know that the cultural evening is actually for all you little champs. But thanks to the amazing communication between the college management and the govt. officials, a scheduled was already chalked out. I couldn’t do anything for that evening, but anyways tried creating a balance between the two… and included as many performances as I could for other days.
Then came your day, which was (unfortunately) the last day of the performances.
I was busy scheduling, re-scheduling, re-re-scheduling, re-***** the schedules on the fly… while the performances were going on. [Thankfully, I had a few friends to help me with the hosting part.]
So as I said, I was inserting performances on the fly.
As and when the requests poured in, I tried fitting them in.
Some of your friends came and performed.
I was getting pressure to wind up as it was quite LATE.
… and after a while… we did stop.
The stage had to be made ready for some meet on the other day… tables were being set… the sound guy started winding his stuff… and then you came with your (typical loud Punjabi) teacher. You were probably from Delhi.
You wanted to perform.
You had practised for it.
You were practising and getting your steps perfect. Probably that’s why you’re late.
When I said, it was over… you became sad.
The teacher asked me… persuaded me.
Something touched me inside.
Probably, the feeling to do certain things… that I wasn’t able to… sing, play… laugh.
I shouted at my friends to remove the table… they ran and started moving them (probably you’d touched them too). I shouted at the sound guy… he started plugging things too. May be not because of you… but he did anyways. (Life isn’t like a movie where everyone feels your pain and happiness. But nonetheless, some do.)
………But then, she came
… and said it can’t be done. It was too late.
The real reason was probably that they had to see that the stage was set… and get back to get some rest.
I couldn’t do anything. It’s not always that I am weak.
I have fought back… always.
But this time, I didn’t. I might say that the FEELING of not being able to do things I wanted to, tried finding a shelter in your failure. But then that’s just a F***** refuge. Bottom line is… I DID NOT FIGHT BACK.
I looked at you….. You’re crying.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Sometimes I wish I could just erase that sight of helplessness from my memories.
But then the truth is, this event is one of the several events in my unconscious mind (or heart) that keeps the anger within me alive… pushes me for fighting for small things. (You wouldn’t even believe if I tell you the stories).
At the end of this letter, all I want to say (be prepared for lots of “ifs”), that if you read it sometime, and if you remember me and the event, and if you still feel something about that evening… I would like to say,
“I am both sorry and thankful to you beta. Sorry for not fighting back for you… and thankful for being one my several inspirations. As I TRIED to reply back to Shammy’s poetry, in a poetic manner :D,
Grief Has It’s Own Unsung Glory…
May be not for you, but definitely for me.”
Love,
Bips.
P.S. Never ever use the f* words. I generally don’t use it; in fact I’ve uttered the word only 4 times in my life… I guess those were the moments when I think I was very angry and frustrated….. ummm not really angry and frustrated… helpless I guess. Yes helpless.
But don’t you dare EVER use them 🙂
The Rocky-ies… (continued)
I failed.
Google Adsense….. Hacked !!!
This write-up of mine expects you to understand the Google Adsense program, it’s working and the importance of keywords in generating quick money.
For newbies, Google Adsense program let’s people put up ads on their sites, blogs etc. after being approved by Google. Google gets money from the advertisers as PPC (Pay Per Click), and pays a part of that money to them. These ads are generated as per the content (keywords) on the webpage. This scheme is called “Adsense for Content”. The other two are: “Adsense for Referrals” (firefox and Adsense referral itself) and “Adsense for Search”.
Now you may ask, why did I put this write-up on my personal blog???
Because I donot wish to give tutorial on “How to hack Adsense” or “How to make quick money using Adsense”. This write-up is simply another wonderful experience of my life.
I signed up for Adsense in the mid of Januray and earned $5.42 by the end of March.
Then……… I found a hack for Google Adsense and generated $22+ in just one day. 🙂 I worked really hard that day, discovered some more loopholes and generated the same amount ($22++) the next day… at half the work I did on the first day.
But then something happened.
I had a very strange feeling.
You may (in fact you should) call me crazy, but I felt being split into two — “B”, the real me; and “Om”, my anonymous identity I use on the net.
As B, I seldom speak lies, I don’t cheat in exams… not even ask for answers during exams.
But as Om, I stole passwords, hacked databases……… and now I was earning (or rather generating) money, by illegal means (though not completely).
Somehow, I could not digest it. I questioned myself, is it really that I am being split…. Or is being B just a hypocrisy? Am I becoming weak?
But somewhere I knew that this excitement in this whole scenario was because of finding loopholes in Google’s system, rather than earning money.
However, I did work for 2 more days and generated total of $65++ in 4-5 days and then I stopped……..
On April 7th, when I opened my Gmail account, I saw a mail from Google Adsense with the subject *Google AdSense Account Disabled”.
And quite strangely…… a smile came on my face, probably making a mockery of the thought that I would be able to cheat Google, or probably because of what followed the smile…..…… a deep sense of relief.
The quest is over.
I am not split.
I am the monarch of all I Survey 