- Are you in the profession of your choice?
- Yes, then is there something for which you can leave your current profession?
- If No, What is it “that” which takes your breath away?
Yesterday while standing at a railway crossing, waiting for the train to pass by, I realized that I love train journeys. Bus journeys are painful, and flight journeys -too short. Trains provide you enough space to move (and jump) around. People you come across are interesting. Moreover, the journey is long enough to let you enjoy your “break” 🙂
Tonight, I’ll be leaving for home to celebrate Holi and my B’day with family after a long time. This will probably be my last visit to Orissa because father got transferred. Return journey is flight from Kolkata, but tonight’s for my loving train :). I have also realized that each time I get down from a train after finishing the journey, a sense of realization that I have failed to enjoy the journey to the fullest comes to me. I know that not everybody would be able to relate to this feeling, but what the hell! 🙂
This feeling, I guess, has a lot to do with my childhood train journeys. This is when I used to fantasize having a camera to click pictures of the changing landscapes. This fantasy is what drove me to buy a DSLR. There is also a disturbing memory associated with trains, but that’s quite personal.
Anyhoo! I don’t wish to stretch this post anymore. I posted it just to let you guys know a couple of things. One, that I’ll be on leave for around 10 days (Saturdays, Sundays included). Second, my love and fantasy for train journeys :). But there’s also one more thing on my mind, and it doesn’t have much to do with trains.
I am considering abandoning this blog. There are several reasons for this. Most prominent of them (which I’d like to mention here 🙂 ) are that I’ve never liked pouring my personal thoughts on anyone (Okay, a few 😀 ), and I don’t REALLY feel comfortable doing it here. This blog started out as an outlet of my frustrations during the final year BTech (and a medium of one sided communication to a few). However, I am not sure if there’s any point continuing it.
That sad evening when I came back from office, I knew you’d be waiting for me… waiting for me to take you into my arms and start………
Little did I know that you were sick. It was not even half-an-hour when you started showing the initial signs of sickness. We talked for around 3 hours and you felt a lot better. We decided we could work.
What an amazing night it was! We worked till 4:30 AM… and we did some really productive work. Then we both went to sleep.
I woke up a little late… around 10:00 AM. You were still lying beside me. I didn’t disturb you.
I went to freshen up, and returned in an hour after having breakfast. I woke you up… but your wireless disappeared AGAIN. 😦
I then spent the whole day trying to update your drivers, uninstalling and re-adding the hardware, and what not. Nothing would work. Neither in Windows, nor on Linux. The wireless device wouldn’t even show up in the hardware profile. I knew it was time for you to visit your family doctors. I took you to the HP Service center at Indira Nagar. They said that since the medical policy has expired, I’ll have to pay a minimum of 300 bucks, in case I didn’t want to go with the prescribed medication. They promised to send the quotation within two working days. Money was hardly any problem… or so I thought.
Those two days and the corresponding nights without you were one of the worst I can remember… Moreover, the mere thought of you being alone in someone else’s house was shivering. Anyhoo, as they had promised, they sent the quotation on the second day. They demanded Rs. 15,838.00/-. They said your motherboard has come trouble.
I knew, I couldn’t afford such an amount… and you know it too. Don’t you?
Several thoughts crossed my mind. Will I have to get a new lady! Will you never be able to talk again!
I consulted a number of people. My younger bro asked me to give you to him and get a new wife for myself. Other people, including my uncle, supported his view. However, Swenny came as a saviour in the midst of all confusions. He told me about the wireless usb modules. They could make you talk again using 802.11 protocol without any need to g for a surgery. They even cost less.
I literally ran from the office, got a linksys one for you, and bingo! Here you are completely (okay okay, almost) fine. 🙂 I am sorry honey that I could afford you a new mother board, but you do understand that we couldn’t have afforded 16K. Moreover, the linkysy thingy i just 1.6K. Isn’t it simply great. 🙂
In another news, I won an ipod shuffle (2nd Gen) – 1GB for sending an sms to the number imprinted on a packet of HappyDent White. This seems to be the first time I have won something so costly… and it feels a little…ummm… strange to have it. I mean I didn’t really earn it… or do any kind of *meaningful* work to get it.
Anyhoo! I just hope that your new body part is comfortable. 🙂
Take care honey,
With this post, I am starting a series of completely weirdo posts where I’ll post (wierd) questions and would seek your views.
The first question in the series:
Given a choice to choose either of the two —Coffee or Laptop (/desktop) for your entire life and sacrifice the other, which one would you choose? 😐
This might come very easily to some but has boggled me for some time, considering that I’ve given up coffee a number of times in the past 😛
Similar to my other emotionally charged posts (I mean when I am emotionally charged), this one too comes from a weird place. I am sitting on the wall of my balcony, with a little fear that my Bittu (laptop for the less enlightened) might fall with me.
Image courtesy: http://www.flickr.com/photos/surajchauhan/182062828/
I am in a very strange mood right now. Full of nostalgic thoughts. These thoughts have enlightened me about things I wasn’t aware about myself. Since I do not share everything (I am li’ll selfish you see), I won’t post everything. Selfishness reminds me that I could never share my troubles with Everyone. When I left Bhubaneswar (in fact a few months before leaving it), I was left with none to share. It’s pretty unlike-me to accept it here, but I realized that an increase in blogging activity was an outlet in disguise. It’s not that I’ve written everything I feel (it’s just unlike-me), but I could share something. 🙂
Today again, I need an outlet when I’m tangled in this unmanageable web of questions.
Looking at my life, I’ve things that I’ve wanted and worked for (well, except a few).
I am financially independent, and don’t have to bother my parents.
I am working on web security, and that too in a computer services company, with geeks around me.
I also have permission to work from home, pretty unlikely for a beginner on some internal work. Complete freedom, to be precise.
I, with all probability, will become an author in a few months (unless something extremely goes wrong).
…and most importantly, I am ideal son in eyes of my parents (except one issue that I don’t take care of my health).
Still, there is disturbance caused by dissatisfaction… and at times, by overflow of energy. Don’t mistake it to be a job dissatisfaction issue. Computers has been one of my teenage loves, which has grown stronger with times.
Looking again at life, I realize that I don’t have everything I ever wanted…
I wished to contribute to the society; started a few times with SPICMACAY and AID; won a few times; lost a few times. Nothing to complain about really. Obviously, you don’t get all you want.
However, I feel I am entangled between things I wanted, and things things that are my responsibility (like changing the world 🙂 )
Going to an orphanage on a weekend, donating money, etc. are not my cup of tea. I believe they aggravate the problem more than they solve them, IMHO. A weekly visit makes them feel distant; a donation of money, or related things, makes them dependent. These issues need to be attacked from the root.
I have this feeling that I WILL be able to execute my plans someday… but what about now 🙂
Why do I feel like loosing patience, considered one of my biggest assets in the past.
I am a self proclaimed feminist.There are issues (which I do not cite) that disturb me… and I’ve been disturbed again by a piece of news titled “Sex for Survival” on the Al Jazeera (english).
From the article:
When Rana Jalil, 38, lost her husband in an explosion in Baghdad last year, she could never have imagined becoming a prostitute in order to feed her children.
A mother of four, Jalil sought out employment, but job opportunities for women had decreased since the US invasion.
She begged shop owners, office workers and companies to hire her but was treated with what she calls chauvinistic discrimination.
Within weeks of her husband’s death, a doctor diagnosed her children with malnutrition.
Fighting tears, she recalled the desperation which led her to the oldest profession: “In the beginning these were the worst days in my life. My husband was the first man I met and slept with, but I didn’t have another option … my children were starving.”
She left the house in a daze, she recalled, and walked to the nearest market to find someone who would pay her for sex.
She said: “I’m a nice-looking woman and it wasn’t difficult to find a client. When we got to the bed I tried to run away … I just couldn’t do it, but he hit and raped me. When he paid me afterwards, it was finished for me.
“When I came home with some food I had bought from that money and saw my children screaming of happiness, I discovered that honour is insignificant compared to the hunger of my children.”
I discovered that honour is insignificant compared to the hunger of my children.
We are all aware of such issues, but this time I could see a series of events leading to a sheer helpless situation. Quite ironically, I used to think that some, if not most, of the these people choose the easier path of flesh trade instead of working. I might still be right but the situation in places like these is vexing. Does anyone see anything good coming up from the US war against terrorism. If Yes then are the trade-offs worthy? (Or may be I currently too disturb to make rational calculations.)
By the way, I couldn’t finish the article. If anybody finds anything good in it, let us know.
I have been transferred to Bangalore. I got a flat to stay even before landing here, thanks to Manas. We get to eat home-made food, thanks to Ajay. Got a part of relocation money in advance which I needed desperately, thanks to my company.
And the best part of all this is that I’d be working on my field Web Application Security with amazing people around, one of them being Peter Thomas, author of JTrac.:)
Now, so many nice things scared me initially but I’ve adjusted somehow. 😉
This post, however, is not about my Bangalore experience. Nor is it about how frustrating the first day was because not even one of the 9 floored building had a single working coffee machine… this crisis continued for straight 10 days.
Can you imagine “Engineers without Coffee”???
The policy makers need to read Dilbert.
Anyways. In another news, I bought a bicycle to commute to office, which is about 10kms from my house. I had a tough time the first day as I was riding it after a gap of… mmmm… 5 years. But again, this post is not about my bicycle. It’s about a very small incident that generated Yet Another Random Thought [YART].
We had a blood donation camp in our premises on 26th. It was an awesome experience riding back home on my bicycle after donating blood. 🙂 On the way back, I recalled the first time I had donated blood. It was something that made me Happy (with a capital H). The Feeling of being (virtually) present and save someone’s life. It was overwhelming.
This time, however, I didn’t feel anything special. To be pretty honest, it was an it-has-been-too-long-since-I-did-it feeling.
The typical Piscean, that I am. It lead to a series of other similar thoughts.
The first time I rode a bicycle.
The first time I left home for studies.
The first time I returned home.
First time I spent my salary on my parents and relatives.
And several other first times which are a little personal…… 🙂
These random thoughts made me happy. The Sadist in me, however, doesn’t like to see me happy. He’s happy when I am miserable. He injected in me the comparison table to compare the “first times” with the regular and natural follow ups.
Of course the latter ones don’t provide me with the same feeling of ecstasy. Especially because they are not meant for it. They are simply meant to be a part of life. All the first times provide the view to a new road which would take us forward; but only if we wish to.
People give-up, change lanes…. break up with their loved ones…… all because “things-are-not-the-way-they-used-to-be”. They don’t feel the excitement that used to be.
I wonder why don’t we understand the simple thing that the excitement the “thing” (job, venture, relationship) brought was not just because it was exciting. It brought excitement because it made a change in our lives and made us Happy. The same thing won’t bring the same excitement. It’ll, however, bring Happiness (with a capital H)… always. 🙂
Love (whether for our job, or our loved ones) is a Gift.
The story, however, doesn’t end here. This Gift is also a responsibility… a two way responsibility, between me and my Gift.
Sometimes, it has to make me Happy, other times I have to sustain the faith that it’ll make me Happy.
I know this a very very complex philosophy. I wouldn’t have dared to bare it, had I not come across this dialogue from the movie “Captian Correli’s Mandolin”. Here, the lead actress’s (Penelope Cruz) father sums up this strange philosophy very beautifully in just a few sentences. He takes the support of Love between couples to explain it. I believe it extends to anything you Love.
When you fall in love, it is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake, and then it subsides. And when it subsides, you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots are become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the desire to mate every second of the day. It is not lying awake at night imagining that he is kissing every part of your body. No… don’t blush. I am telling you some truths. For that is just being in love; which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over, when being in love has burned away. Doesn’t sound very exciting, does it? But it is!
I pray that every time my friends (or I) give up on something, HE reminds me that we are choosing the easier path…
He reminds us all the moments when we fell and hurt oursleves, physically..
And he also reminds us what we did after falling down. 🙂
I love the following two lines (Hindi):
Kaun Kahta hai Aasmaan mein surakh nahi hota,
Ik patthar to zara tabiyat se uchhalo yaaron
I won over the Sadist… this time 🙂