Rail Gaadi, Rail Gaadi… :)

Yesterday while standing at a railway crossing, waiting for the train to pass by, I realized that I love train journeys. Bus journeys are painful, and flight journeys -too short. Trains provide you enough space to move (and jump) around. People you come across are interesting. Moreover, the journey is long enough to let you enjoy your “break” 🙂

--By flickr.com/photos/godvivek/483490156/

Tonight, I’ll be leaving for home to celebrate Holi and my B’day with family after a long time. This will probably be my last visit to Orissa because father got transferred. Return journey is flight from Kolkata, but tonight’s for my loving train :). I have also realized that each time I get down from a train after finishing the journey, a sense of realization that I have failed to enjoy the journey to the fullest comes to me. I know that not everybody would be able to relate to this feeling, but what the hell! 🙂

This feeling, I guess, has a lot to do with my childhood train journeys. This is when I used to fantasize having a camera to click pictures of the changing landscapes. This fantasy is what drove me to buy a DSLR. There is also a disturbing memory associated with trains, but that’s quite personal.

Anyhoo! I don’t wish to stretch this post anymore. I posted it just to let you guys know a couple of things. One, that I’ll be on leave for around 10 days (Saturdays, Sundays included). Second, my love and fantasy for train journeys :). But there’s also one more thing on my mind, and it doesn’t have much to do with trains.

I am considering abandoning this blog. There are several reasons for this. Most prominent of them (which I’d like to mention here 🙂 ) are that I’ve never liked pouring my personal thoughts on anyone (Okay, a few 😀 ), and I don’t REALLY feel comfortable doing it here. This blog started out as an outlet of my frustrations during the final year BTech (and a medium of one sided communication to a few). However, I am not sure if there’s any point continuing it.

Secondly, I am planning to move my tech blog to my server http://projectbee.org, once I return from home, and would like to focus on it. Nothing’s decided yet. Let’s see! 🙂

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Run Lola Run… :)

I was working on an introductory paper on RFC 2616 (HTTP Protocol v1.1) today, and had my free iPod shuffle plugged in. I was on the verge of finishing the paper when it transitioned from MaahiVe (Kaante) to Tere Bina Zindagi (Aandhi).

I’ve listened to this song a thousand times, if not more. In fact I must have heard it at least twice yesterday night, and skipped a couple of times. But this was something different. I had a strange feeling. Then the dialogue between Sanjeev Kumar (SK) & Suchitra Sen (SS) came in:

SK: Suno Arti, ye jo phulon ki belen nazar aati hain na ye dar-asal
arabi main aayaten likhii hain. Inhe din ke vaqt dekhna
bilkul saaf nazar aati hain. Din ke Waqt ye saara paani se bharaa
rahataa hai. Din ke Waqt.. ye jo phuhaare hain…..
Suchitra Sen: Din ki baat kyun kar rahe ho. kahaan aa paauungi main din ke Waqt
SK: Ye jo chaand hai na ise raat main dekhnaa… Ye din mein nahi nikaltaa…
SS: ye to roj nikaltaa hogaa
SK: haan lekin kabhii kabhii amaavas aa jaati hai. Waise to amaavas 15 dinon
ki hoti hai lekin is baar bahut lambi thhii
SS: Nau baras lambi thhii naa..

(just a li’ll background. These two people were married, but one fine day, the lady leaves her husband to follow her father’s inheritance of politics. Nine years later, she visits the city for a political campaign and stays in the hotel where her husband is a manager. She goes the house for a dinner, following which both take a walk, this is when the song is played and a conversation takes place. Following is just part of it.)

…and Thud! Something hit me really hard. I don’t know what it was, or why! It just made me feel really.. helpless.
May be it was simply the excitement of finally finishing the paper coupled with an emotional line; or may be just a transition from a fast paced song (MaahiVe) to this one; or may be the story of Kashmir Singh, a prisoner of war, being released by Pakistan after 35 long years was still on my mind when Suchitra Sen reminds Sanjeev Kumar of their troubled relationship of 9 years…

…Or may be it was all. 🙂

Trust me. I am not at all being dramatic. The thought of a relationship floating in troubled waters for 9 long years just because two people couldn’t sort things out… despite being in love so strong that’d eventually survive a separation so long, send shivers in me.

Uh! What the hell! Who cares? Life goes on… Doesn’t it? 🙂

…or does it?

Anyhoo! You enjoy the song 🙂
The above written dialogue is at the beginning of the 3rd minute.

[Quote] Relationships

Sometimes the greatest journey is the distance between two people…

                                                                                                                                                                  –unknown

Reminds me of a sher by lyricist Hasti, sung by Jagjit Singh:

Jism ki baat nahi thi unke dil tak jaana tha,
Lambi duri tay karne mein waqt to lagta hai…

Who am I? I am Spide…errr Man :P

Similar to my other emotionally charged posts (I mean when I am emotionally charged), this one too comes from a weird place. I am sitting on the wall of my balcony, with a little fear that my Bittu (laptop for the less enlightened) might fall with me.

//www.flickr.com/photos/surajchauhan/182062828/

Image courtesy: http://www.flickr.com/photos/surajchauhan/182062828/

I am in a very strange mood right now. Full of nostalgic thoughts. These thoughts have enlightened me about things I wasn’t aware about myself. Since I do not share everything (I am li’ll selfish you see), I won’t post everything. Selfishness reminds me that I could never share my troubles with Everyone. When I left Bhubaneswar (in fact a few months before leaving it), I was left with none to share. It’s pretty unlike-me to accept it here, but I realized that an increase in blogging activity was an outlet in disguise. It’s not that I’ve written everything I feel (it’s just unlike-me), but I could share something. 🙂

Today again, I need an outlet when I’m tangled in this unmanageable web of questions.

Looking at my life, I’ve things that I’ve wanted and worked for (well, except a few).
I am financially independent, and don’t have to bother my parents.
I am working on web security, and that too in a computer services company, with geeks around me.
I also have permission to work from home, pretty unlikely for a beginner on some internal work. Complete freedom, to be precise.
I, with all probability, will become an author in a few months (unless something extremely goes wrong).
…and most importantly, I am ideal son in eyes of my parents (except one issue that I don’t take care of my health).

Still, there is disturbance caused by dissatisfaction… and at times, by overflow of energy. Don’t mistake it to be a job dissatisfaction issue. Computers has been one of my teenage loves, which has grown stronger with times.

Looking again at life, I realize that I don’t have everything I ever wanted…
I wished to contribute to the society; started a few times with SPICMACAY and AID; won a few times; lost a few times. Nothing to complain about really. Obviously, you don’t get all you want.

However, I feel I am entangled between things I wanted, and things things that are my responsibility (like changing the world 🙂 )

Going to an orphanage on a weekend, donating money, etc. are not my cup of tea. I believe they aggravate the problem more than they solve them, IMHO. A weekly visit makes them feel distant; a donation of money, or related things, makes them dependent. These issues need to be attacked from the root.

I have this feeling that I WILL be able to execute my plans someday… but what about now 🙂
Why do I feel like loosing patience, considered one of my biggest assets in the past.

Laghu Katha – III

After a genuine ingenious post, I am back to copying stuff and then garnishing them “ma way”. 🙂
I’d read this piece at some random place and was reminded of it while thinking about the third short story. I present you my version of the story.
—————–

There lived a girl at the hills. She met an accident at the age of 7 and lost her sight.
Sight, however, was not the only thing that she lost. The accident also took away her smile, her happiness… her confidence… and worst, her faith in everything… everyone.

She now preferred to be alone.
She loved the sound of rain as her companion. She used to sit near the window for hours, listening to the sounds of rain, frogs, birds… and trying to separate them. When it was not rainining, she would go to the hills and listen to the birds… and would sometimes… fly with them.

The hills, apparently, don’t just have birds. She met him one fine day… and became close in no time. He seemed to be the only one who seemed to understand her. She was the one who completed him.

The day he proposed her to marry him was the day of heavy rains. But she didn’t have any confidence left in her. Moreover, she realized that she didn’t trust him SO much. She put the condition, even heavier than the rains, “I’ll marry you the day I get my sight back”. She knew that’d never happen again.

Months passed. One cloudy day her brother informed that the doctor says that she might get her sight back, after a tiny-miny cornea transplant operation. The clear sky brought her sight back. She could now separate the water, the frogs, and the birds… with her eyes too.

A few days later he came to meet her and reminded her of the promise… but…. he…. he is blind too.
“Is that the reason he understood me…. could relate to me? I can… no… I cannot live with him. I wanted him to be my support… not to become his sight.”, she thought and… denied. It was not an easy decision, but she had to.

It was tough to differentiate and decide which was heavier, the rain pouring on the roof… or the rain pouring on his cheeks. He stood to leave, but turned around at the gate… looked straight at her… as if he could look deep into her eyes… and said with tear flowing down his eyes, “Take care of yourslef… and…… my eyes!”
——————–

Okay! I failed to make this one a Laghu Katha.
Apologies.

[YART]:The First Time(s)

I have been transferred to Bangalore. I got a flat to stay even before landing here, thanks to Manas. We get to eat home-made food, thanks to Ajay. Got a part of relocation money in advance which I needed desperately, thanks to my company.
And the best part of all this is that I’d be working on my field Web Application Security with amazing people around, one of them being Peter Thomas, author of JTrac.:)
Now, so many nice things scared me initially but I’ve adjusted somehow. 😉

This post, however, is not about my Bangalore experience. Nor is it about how frustrating the first day was because not even one of the 9 floored building had a single working coffee machine… this crisis continued for straight 10 days.
Can you imagine “Engineers without Coffee”???
The policy makers need to read Dilbert.

Anyways. In another news, I bought a bicycle to commute to office, which is about 10kms from my house. I had a tough time the first day as I was riding it after a gap of… mmmm… 5 years. But again, this post is not about my bicycle. It’s about a very small incident that generated Yet Another Random Thought [YART].

We had a blood donation camp in our premises on 26th. It was an awesome experience riding back home on my bicycle after donating blood. 🙂 On the way back, I recalled the first time I had donated blood. It was something that made me Happy (with a capital H). The Feeling of being (virtually) present and save someone’s life. It was overwhelming.
This time, however, I didn’t feel anything special. To be pretty honest, it was an it-has-been-too-long-since-I-did-it feeling.

The typical Piscean, that I am. It lead to a series of other similar thoughts.
The first time I rode a bicycle.
The first time I left home for studies.
The first time I returned home.
First time I spent my salary on my parents and relatives.
And several other first times which are a little personal…… 🙂

These random thoughts made me happy. The Sadist in me, however, doesn’t like to see me happy. He’s happy when I am miserable. He injected in me the comparison table to compare the “first times” with the regular and natural follow ups.

Of course the latter ones don’t provide me with the same feeling of ecstasy. Especially because they are not meant for it. They are simply meant to be a part of life. All the first times provide the view to a new road which would take us forward; but only if we wish to.
People give-up, change lanes…. break up with their loved ones…… all because “things-are-not-the-way-they-used-to-be”. They don’t feel the excitement that used to be.

I wonder why don’t we understand the simple thing that the excitement the “thing” (job, venture, relationship) brought was not just because it was exciting. It brought excitement because it made a change in our lives and made us Happy. The same thing won’t bring the same excitement. It’ll, however, bring Happiness (with a capital H)… always. 🙂

Love (whether for our job, or our loved ones) is a Gift.
The story, however, doesn’t end here. This Gift is also a responsibility… a two way responsibility, between me and my Gift.
Sometimes, it has to make me Happy, other times I have to sustain the faith that it’ll make me Happy.

I know this a very very complex philosophy. I wouldn’t have dared to bare it, had I not come across this dialogue from the movie “Captian Correli’s Mandolin”. Here, the lead actress’s (Penelope Cruz) father sums up this strange philosophy very beautifully in just a few sentences. He takes the support of Love between couples to explain it. I believe it extends to anything you Love.

When you fall in love, it is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake, and then it subsides. And when it subsides, you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots are become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the desire to mate every second of the day. It is not lying awake at night imagining that he is kissing every part of your body. No… don’t blush. I am telling you some truths. For that is just being in love; which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over, when being in love has burned away. Doesn’t sound very exciting, does it? But it is!

I pray that every time my friends (or I) give up on something, HE reminds me that we are choosing the easier path…
He reminds us all the moments when we fell and hurt oursleves, physically..
And he also reminds us what we did after falling down. 🙂

I love the following two lines (Hindi):

Kaun Kahta hai Aasmaan mein surakh nahi hota,
Ik patthar to zara tabiyat se uchhalo yaaron

I won over the Sadist… this time 🙂